Very few intelligent people are good at remembering gibberish. If mathematics does not make sense, of course you won't get it, be interested in it, like it, or remember it, unless you are happy to simply remember and perform. Obviously you are not. Neither are many others of us.
Do you understand the need for having names and symbols for quantities? Do you understand the idea of combining two quantities to get a new one and the need to DENOTE that and to have a way to DETERMINE the new quantity? Do you understand that we can't keep making up new names and symbols for larger and larger quantities, that we need a system to reduce the number of names and symbols? ALL of mathematics proceeds this way. It is ALL completely sensible and purposeful.
The problem is that we should be explicitly TOLD the sense and PURPOSE; and we are NOT. Like you, I struggle to understand mathematics. I finally got a master's in mathematics but I was 79 when I finally did. First and foremost you should realize that everything in mathematics is sensible and that you have to look for the sense yourself. If many more of us were as honest and outspoken about our difficulty as you are, perhaps much more attention would be paid to making the sense explicit instead of our having to figure it out for ourselves.
Don't believe a word of what people say who claim that mathematics is abstract and about logic and reasoning and deduction and axiomatics and cognition and problem solving and skill. That's not true. Mathematics is the physical science of quantity and its amazingly prodigious aspects and developments. Quantity is as physical and concrete and real as whatever there is a quantity of.